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January 8th, 2009


01:21 am - without joy in the rain, i could be forever the same
you know the economy is really bad indeed when even your polish parents have no liquor chilled in the freezer when you visit them in their suburban oblivion for unhealthy existential distraction. not even water distilled grain alcohol. just my dad's bitter whiskey which i cannot bring myself to drink tonight. i wrapped up this past year with blurry memories of my usual disturbing drunk shenninghans (sp?) and entered the new year jobless and for the first time in my life completely broke. that hasn't broken my shopping spirit though. i have just bought some will & grace dvds after finding my old us bank credit card number. the actual card i had destroyed months ago to prevent myself from using the credit account. take that, last year's momentarily responsible self! on the bright side, after what has certainly felt like an eternity of educational ups and downs i will finally officially be graduating college in five months. so here's to obama fixing up this damn economy, this damn country, my damn retail industry, and ultimately my parents' liqour cabinet. because when polish people cannot even afford a decent bottle of vodka, then something is truly downright wrong.

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October 11th, 2008


09:38 am - why so serious
last monday i got taken into the basement of a gay club and having 6 drinks already in me i did the unthinkable. i got tested for hiv. for the first time in over two years. i figured since most of my sexual encounters in the last decades occurred under major influence of various substances, this ultimate test of my homosexual responsibility might as well take place while i'm half-way to passing out under a bush outdoors. i have been terrified and distracted for months. i didn't want to deal with the results until i was at peace with other things in my life. but other things kept getting annoyingly out of sorts and i just didn't need another possible nail to the coffin of my flailing sanity. so while i was chugging dollar drinks at hydrate the other night i was approached by a cute guy offering results in 20 minutes. god bless for alcohol for giving me the courage to say yes. and have enough reckless one night stands to get me in the state of mind of constant panic in the first place. three pages of sexual questionnaire, and a cotton swab ride around my gums and i was negative, relieved, happy, and biking home drunk without a helmet, vowing to lead a responsible and drama-free life from some time then on.

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September 26th, 2008


09:39 am - retail therapy
i can't stop shopping. seriously. i have no job, bills and rent due, a cat. and i've spent another ridiculous amount of my loan refund money over at the digital portal of urban fashion heretics urban outfitters. and now i have to move. to share a studio with joe in logan square. let's hope my cat enjoys it as much as i do my new clothes. and accessories.

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September 17th, 2008


09:40 am - you had everything i never had
ok fine, i was hoping to kiss you the other night. i was a little tipsy and rushed with you to catch the train that would take you home. i was rambling nervously as if trying to redeem myself for the less than perfect three hours prior, to try to still win you over with my surprisingly not completely substance influenced humor, and perhaps score a goddamn kiss. a sweet lip lock to tuck me in safely goodnight, upon returning home alone later that night, to make me silently anticipate seeing you next time. until i would never see you again. you have no idea what tiny beautiful wonders you have the power of detonating in me. i'm sorry i didn't pretend not to be myself completely. you could have liked me better if i was playing an earnest hollywood hero doomed for a happy ending. i suppose i never really knew how to pretend. you have no idea how you make me want to abandon this rotten core of mine. i suppose you did figure out i am the bad guy. i guess you're not the true good soul i have wanted to grab my hand and run.

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September 3rd, 2008


09:41 am - "easy." a duet.
Me: Now everything is overloaded
And we can't go back

You: It seems to me the love is going
Me: No, don't touch me
You: God knows I'll hurt you

You: Why can't you just accept it's over?
Hell, I need a drink

Me: Just lookin' at you makes me sober
You: No, don't touch me
Me: God knows I'm worthless

You: You think it's easy, boy
Me: Yeah it's easy to believe it
When you don't understand
You: I wish I could be that way

Me: Don't leave me this way

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May 6th, 2008


09:42 am - deep water won't scare me tonight.
today i finally got it- jamba juice is heaven, and banks are hell. for the first time in my life i have no money for rent because chase slapped me in the face with enough overdraft fees after san francisco to buy a semi decent guitar amplifier. (this analogy is prove as much of my lack of knowledge in the pricing of musical accessories as it is of my desperation for a decent analogy..) and to top it off work screwed up my paycheck so now i'm trying to figure out a way to go out to wicker park tonite without being able to afford any blissfully sedating mind altering substances. if only sobriety was ever fulfilling enough to survive on alone. if only jamba juice smoothies could give me an actual high besides an absolutely splendid but momentary, chilly and colorful sensation in the esophagus.

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February 5th, 2008


09:47 am - lesson
if it costs 1.99 at an actual liquor store and it's actually labeled "cooking wine" without any irony, chances are it does taste like wood and is meant for baking holiday cakes. all in all, go for the 4.99 one at jewel and call it a beautiful tipsy night. cheers.

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January 30th, 2008


04:13 pm - square .1
as much as i hate the idea of yet another semester in school, attending the first class of the year has as much an inspiring as a frustrating effect on me. on one hand, i really should have been done with school by now, flaunting my douchey degree in department managers' faces, hoping to secure that job a million girls would kill for. on the other hand, after another break of not having written that groundbreaking semi-autobiographical novel after all, it's kinda nice to once again take a big gulp of a new academic semester idealism, dreading but aspiringly acing projects, picking out new binders, sometimes books, but always hope for a minimum grade of C, ultimate graduation and overal existential well-being; in other words, starting almost fresh. again. here's to spring semester 2008.

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January 3rd, 2008


01:31 pm - plan B
i celebrated this new year's in bed with ruby, my new bff from work. not having sex. watching dvds. at 12:05 we gave each other a kiss on the cheek and went to sleep. while friends&lovers of mine stumbled drunk into january 1st all over the city. jessica was downing shots at nicole's, with jennifer and rebecca. danny was at some party of course, doing his share of chemistry, then hosting an impromptu celebration at his wicker park studio until the wee hours of the morning. kate was on the west side at a party of some waiter from the chicago diner who took a liking to her. etc. etc. and i must have been drinking in my sleep because the next day i was feeling all kinds of hazy. ruby and i continued to watch movies until she felt sick and went home. it's pointless to say my new year's resolution was to stop drinking because since then all i thought about is how to get drunk. and deal with friends who drink. and be myself without having to drink. and regretting staying in on dec 31st. now it's january 3rd already and i should be in band practice, but mauricio canceled for whatever reason. it's so cold outside i fear to tread. but i cannot stay here anymore. my cat is begging me for attention and i'm trying to figure out the best outfit to greet elcin who's coming to visit from nj today. an outfit that'll reflect who i am these days, who i've become since the last time i saw her, how i've changed, who i wish people to think i am when they look at me -hipster, creative, cool. not pretentious, lazy, and weak.

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August 2nd, 2007


10:55 pm - the riot
it's pointless to complain about the scorchingly hot chicago weather, in face of bigger local and worldly issues and obvious helplessness of the selfish matter at point. the coverage of the minneapolis bridge collapse kept me in the lunch room at work way too long and too often today. with a spoonful of crunchy peanut butter my lovely company leaves on the employee lunch table as if delusionaly generous treats. i have never imagined complete boredom at work could be so disturbingly exhausting. maybe it is the heat outside after all. it's too hot for anybody. it's hard to function, and get inspired, and be motivated, with this infrared oxygen around. things make sense for a moment, then they just evaporate.
Current Music: stars - take me to the riot

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